So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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