I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
