Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
