At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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