Where did you get a picture of my penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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