The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
They took my balls.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
