Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
