Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
