so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
