I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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