What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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