so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
