there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
