she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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