Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sorry my hands just texted you
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
