you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
