I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to calm my uterus...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
