i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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