so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
