Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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