i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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