I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
