I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
