guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
