Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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