I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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