I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
