If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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