using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
