I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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