I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
