You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
