dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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