yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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