pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
