All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
