I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
