i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
