My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
