when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
