She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
