i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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