his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
