Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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