ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
