hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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