I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
