i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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