Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
