Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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